Girl: What if a boy hugs me?
Mom: Say Don't.
Girl: What if he kisses me?
Mom: Say stop.
The next day when the girl goes to school her boyfriend hugs and kisses her well so she says as her mother told her to do and she quickly said DON'T STOP!!!!!.....



Friend: I'm finally over him! (:
You: Oh my god, that's great!
Friend: Yeah I know!
You: Hey, do you want some water?
Friend: He drank water..



Husband: Everytime I make you cry, you never fight back. how do you manage your anger?
Wife: I clean the toilet seat...
Husband: How does it help?
Wife: I use your toothbrush!!!!



A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics before starting.
"You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear."
At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man's anus, and then licks it.
He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them. After a couple of minutes silence, they follow suit.
"The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation: I stuck my middle finger into the corpse's anus, but I licked my index."



Me: So, you like bad boys?

Girl: Yeah

Me: Well i'm not trying to impress you or anything but, I got in trouble yesterday for playing with my food at the dinner table..



There's a kid at my school named Luigi.
I jokingly asked him one day if his brother's name his Mario.
His response,
"Yeah it is... and yes my dog is named Yoshi."
Best. Parents. Ever.



If my ceiling fan could hold my weight,
I'd never be bored again.